Hardwired parent

This morning I awoke to a high pitched whinging noise, not a surprise you would think having a one year old. The difference being that said one year old wasn’t actually in the house this morning, he is at his his grandma’s on the other side of town.

You know that tweet that says ‘there is nothing greater than the sound of a baby’s laughter, unless it’s 2am and you don’t have a baby’ yeah well waking up to the sound of whining when you don’t have a baby is equally creepy/terrifying.

So I look around me startled expecting to see the monitor going off but it’s not there, of course. I remember Max isn’t there and start questioning my sanity. Have I actually started hearing voices? Then the noise starts again, this time I know exactly where it’s coming from. My stomach.

Yes that’s right even when my child isn’t there my body has taken to mimicking the sounds of my baby because why shouldn’t I want to be woken up at 6:20am with no fucking good reason.

FML (fuck my lie-in)


Managing your expectations

Some days life just feels like one big disappointment after another. Well at least that’s how it seems when I look around and hear people constantly moaning about how their life isn’t measuring up. But when I ask these people what they want their lives to be like they shrug and say ‘I dunno but not this shit’.

When you’re a kid it’s easy to set lofty life goals like wanting to be a actress, footballer, singer or choo-choo driver. However, for most of us the realisation that life isn’t going to be all glamour, riches and champagne sets in around the time we start listening to maudlin music and covering our eyes with a layer of greasy hair. And for those who don’t get over it, well there’s always Britain’s got Talent(?).

As grown-ups we think we become cynical but somewhere inside is that little kid wanting to believe that we can live on clouds with the Care Bears, this is troublesome bit.

That’s the bit that tells the bloke you just want a casual relationship and then moan when he just calls you for sex. That’s the bit that makes you apply for a job that sounds crap but it’s a foot in the door and your sure you’ll get a promotion within a year. That’s the bit that makes you buy a dress a size too small because it will make you lose weight.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have dreams but if you set out unrealistic goals start with then you’re never going to achieve them and then you going to end up being one of those moaning people who thinks their life in a pile of unending crap. If you want to be a fashion model but your five foot and a size 14 you’re going to be disappointed.

It’s the same for people who want to be rich and successful and after a week of running their own business  complain that they haven’t made a million yet. It’s not like you actually have to put in any hard work to earn big bucks. You read a few quotes about dreaming big and think its all going to be smooth sailing as long as you have an inspirational screen saver.

Your expectations of life should driven by what you put in and if you get more out then bonus. I know that sometimes other people or situations seem to be the cause of your problems but most of the time you can see these problems coming, you just choose to ignore it and hope it goes away. If you don’t pay your bills you can’t be surprised when bailiffs appear at your door to seize goods.

if your not prepared to put the work in you won’t be successful, if you’re not honest in your relationships your never going to find true love and if you book an overseas holiday for £50 the hotel is not going to be built.

My advice

Dream big – work big

Want love – be honest and listen

Never expect to get more out than you put in.

You’re a twerk

For fuck sake Miley Cyrus will you please put some bloody clothes on love and stop waving your arse about.

Honestly woman, why would you want to undermine the fact you have built a career on having actual talent and reduce yourself down to a gyrating arse in a pair of hotpants.

Word to the wise hun, your voice will still sound good when your arse is looking decidedly saggy.  I know what i’d be based my long term plan on.

Werk not twerk.


I’ve now got Cliff going round my head, Twitter you twat.

It’s so funny how we don’t talk anymore

Dear Twitter,

Remember when we first met, we used to talk for hours. We would laugh, share our hopes and dreams and we had all the same friends. Oh we had so much fun .

Where have those days gone?

Now when I try and talk to you all you do is ignore me and try and sell me stuff. I can’t remember a time now when you didn’t end a sentence with bit.ly…… We just don’t seem to be able to communicate anymore.

I wonder if we can ever get that old magic back, when I’d  say something funny and you’d lol and I’d lol and you would tell me something interesting and show me pictures of your cat. Remember?

Can we give it one more chance?

Twitter please remember that this is a two way street and not to use it as a billboard for all the shit on the internet and never actually engage with me. This is a desperate request because I’ve starting humming the tune to Cliff’s ‘It’s so funny how we don’t talk anymore’ and it’s only a matter of time before I break out into song and do you really want me singing Cliff at you? DO YOU? I will fucking do it.


The Ranty Girl

The wine and cheese party

Erm has anyone ever noticed this country is being run by a bunch of out of touch prats? I mean do you think Davey ‘baby’ Cameron has ever taken a selfie.

Everyday they come out with some hair-brained idea (like banning packed lunches) whilst shelving good ideas plain packaging for cigarettes. When was the last time the contents kids lunchbox caused widespread cancer?

When the next elevator rolls around I really don’t think I will have anyone to vote for. I’m not a millionaire banker so that rules out the Tories, I’m not in the union so no to Labour and I’m not a spineless twat so Lib Dems are out. There really is no political party I feel has my interests at heart.

So I’m starting my own ‘the wine and cheese’ party. It’s a party that acts in the interests of people who like to drink wine, eat cheese and value common sense.


If I’ve learnt anything from UKIP it’s the fact that I don’t need any actual policies just a natty dress sense and a bus. I can do that!

But I suppose I need some policy ideas so here goes
– wine and chocolate on prescription for PMT
– less tax on wine and cheese
– banning dress down days, only ever dress up!
– national cocktail party day
– emergency bank holidays for sunny days
– subsidised child care

Ok so we apparently have no money (but we have money for these twats to get an 11% payrise) so I’m bank rling these policies buy going after big businesses who don’t pay tax.

And if this means they don’t want to trade here anymore, then fuck off, I’d rather people bought their coffee from a local independent anyway.

Vote ranty!


Really not sure how I’m supposed to function when child wakes me up at 4:45am (then goes back to sleep at 7am when I have to get up), I have to do a full days work and I have a medical condition that makes me feel like I’m sleep walking even if I’ve had a decent night’s sleep.

Oh and then I nearly crash the car on the way to work, probably because so knackered.

How do other people manage? I would really love it of you you share your coping secrets.