What’s made me go WTF this week?

Going back to basics with a good old fashioned Ranty Girl type post today, my laundry list of things that have annoyed me this week.

1) Instatweet

You know what I love about Instagram? The pictures.

You know what I hate about Instagram? People who post images of personal text, usually a moan about something, instead of posting pictures. Fecking quit it.

2) Made in Chelsea

Ok so no I’ve never seen this show but the adverts are on all the time and I really don’t understand why anyone would watch it as every advert is exactly the same. There’s a bloke who looks like he does his hair in a wind tunnel, he’s always sat in a bar looking smug. Then there’s these brunette clones who are always crying or bitching about wind tunnel hair bloke. Then one of the brunette clones throws drink in wind tunnel hair man’s face and storms off. I don’t get it, are its viewers people who are afflicted with short term memory loss?

3) Choc mint flavour Pringles

Once you pop, you will most definitely stop, rapidly, and maybe throw up a bit.

4) Death by hashtag

#Can#we #please #make#it #a #rule #that #you #are #allowed#a #maximum #of #two #hashtags #per #tweet? #Stop #killing# tweets #with# half #a #dozen #hashtags, #because #let’s #face #it #unless# it’s #a ‘#thing’ #then #you’re #just #making #yourself #look #like #a #twonk.


You’re ruining Christmas

I used to go out with an Aussie and he was forever calling me a whinging pom, which was rich as he was the biggest moaner I’ve ever met only he just did it with an inflection at the end of every sentence so that made it OK apparently.

But what’s wrong with having a moan once in a while? Surely its better to get out our gripes than bottle them all up and risk us exploding in dangerous stabby, screamy, government worker kinda way.

So on that note I just have a few things to say

Will retailers stop ruining Christmas.

FFS its still over a month away and you have been ramming turkeys, mince pies and prawn rings down my throat since bloody September. Maybe you have some dodgy calendar that shows December starts after 31st August or you’re just a bunch of sadistic bastards who want to throw the nation into a debt fuelled panic for you’re own amusement.

It’s one day and as much as I love Christmas I’m not spending a penny on it until the 1st December and I think we should all resolve to do the same thing so these jackasses will stop trying to make Christmas last for half the fucking year.

You have pissed me off so much this year that we have actually decided to make most of our gifts this year. Ha didn’t see that one coming you greedy bastards. that’s right you can take your sparkly, cosy, aspirational adverts and stick them up your mass produced arse. I’m out!


Innovation stops at 30 (apparently).

Believe it or not there are quite a lot of my grumbles I don’t air on here because I think they are personal to me and people won’t get them but this morning I was surprised when a certain issue that has been plaguing me recently was brought up by someone else on Twitter.

Why are all the grants for people younger than 30yrs? #ageism

There seems to be some sort of invisible threshold you pass once you are 30 that means you have to start acting like a grown up, and you are not able to take any stupid risks like, starting your own business.

The government keep going on about supporting new businesses, innovations and entrepreneurship but only if your between 16-29. If you have actually done something in your twenties and managed to establish yourself then your allowed to be a crazy self-employed, creative thirty-something; but wanting to step out of main stream employment for the first time after 30 – are you MAD?

No, you should be at home paying your mortgage, having children and buying all those consumables that support the economy. It’s your responsibility as a proper grown-up. We can’t have you gallivanting off and being creative now, who will buy all the cars, houses and DFS sofas? Go and get yourself a cup of tea, honestly being a tea drinker is something that makes you interesting these days (oh you whimsical fool you).

Anyway I digress, but shit man I feel like I’ve been resigned to scrap heap of responsibility recently and I was sure I still had so much to give. I had this idea ages ago about a business I wanted to start but things kept getting in the way like moving house, having a baby and all those other things I should be doing. The concept was a dressing-up box for grown-up girls full of beautiful vintage inspired dresses that could be hired for parties, hen dos etc. I did lots of work contacting suppliers and getting costs and doing a plan but the timing just wasn’t right. Anyway I recently starting looking at the idea again as someone told me about some start-up funding I may be able to access. Brilliant! So I got in touch with them and they seemed really enthusiastic up until the point they asked me how old I was and they turned around and said the funding was only available for 18-24 yr olds. Fucking wonderful. So my ideas were valid but my age makes me invalid, thanks very much. So really. what I need now is a 23 year old front man who can get the funding while I actually run the business.  Ridic.

I even looked at crowd funding but couldn’t see how that would work, unless 100 people want to give £50 to get a dress loaned to them. Yeah not so much right?

So I got really pissy and hit my laptop a bit too hard and the plastic frame thing popped out and now it won’t shut properly and that is my punishment for being remotely ambitious at my age.

Maybe it is just a small minority of people who feel like this, or maybe there are thousands of people out there feeling frustrated at the fact you feel like you can’t step out of the role of sensible adult? I don’t have any answers here but I’d love to know if anyone else has ever felt like this and from anyone who has managed to shed the shackles of assumed responsibility and made a change after their 20s.

I’m a bitch

I’ve been called many  things in my time but one of the most frequently used is ‘bitch’. And you know what? I never take it with the spirit with which it was intended because the it’s the person calling me a bitch who has the problem not me. Quite frankly being a bitch is a good thing.


Now, i want to differentiate between a bitch and being bitchy. Being bitchy is not cool and is just you saying mean, horrible things about someone who more than likely is not around to defend themselves. Now I’m not saying I’m never bitchy, but I try to keep it to a minimum but I’m easily wound up (if you hadn’t noticed) and sometimes stuff just spills out of my mouth before I can stop it. But I am trying to get better and just keep my mouth shut when someone winds me up (even if it is totally their fault).

Bitch is a label applied to women when we are challenging, changing or telling people that things just aren’t good enough.   If I complain about service I receive in a shop or a restaurant, I’m being a bitch. Even if the shop assistant totally blanked me or my food took half an hour to arrive and was cold when did. Yes I’m a bitch for telling you you aren’t doing your job properly, how unreasonable of me to want some common bleeding courtesy when I’m paying it. And that’s just the thin end of the wedge. How about when you try to change something at work, reject the advances of a man or well anything that’s basically sticking up for yourself. If you don’t tow the line you’re a bitch.

However, calling me a bitch is fine because that just means you know I’m right, your wrong and you really don’t like it when an itty bitty girl tells you that.

So I’m going to continue to be a bitch because without bitches work/home/the world is never going to be a better place.  We need people who challenge the crap, want to make things better and accept that sometimes you gotta break a few egos along the way.

So next time someone calls me a bitch a going to thank them for recognising that I am in fact awesome and I may even give them a little blast of this if they are lucky

The Bad Day

So today started badly. It was pretty much FML territory from the get go and didn’t really get better as things went on.

Ok  no that’s a lie. Things weren’t that bad every traffic light I hit was green, I got to work early and I remembered my laptop and my lunch but I was in the foulest mood because I had been kept up for the best part of the night and I was not happy about this.

So cue lots of swearing, huffing and general homicidal tendencies towards anyone who even looked at me let alone had the audacity to open their mouth and try and say something reasonable like ‘coffee?’.

Rar, rar, rar I went to everyone and everything.

So desperate times call for desperate measures and in my case this means one thing and one thing only – I sing.

Now singing has become this whole elitist thing  where you are expected to be able to hit a note and carry a tune to be allowed to sing. Yeah whatevs, bollocks to that. Singing makes me happy, it makes me joyful and even if I’m not ‘good’ at it I don’t care I’m going to keep doing it because it saves me from becoming a bitch from hell.

I say………

sing like you dint care if anyone is listening

So for the last 30 mins I have been singing my little heart out and I’m now feeling less of a danger to the general public and if anyone wants to know what I’ve been singing…….

Let’s go to the mall – Robin Sparkles. If this doesn’t cheer you up, well then I can’t help you.

Hardwired parent

This morning I awoke to a high pitched whinging noise, not a surprise you would think having a one year old. The difference being that said one year old wasn’t actually in the house this morning, he is at his his grandma’s on the other side of town.

You know that tweet that says ‘there is nothing greater than the sound of a baby’s laughter, unless it’s 2am and you don’t have a baby’ yeah well waking up to the sound of whining when you don’t have a baby is equally creepy/terrifying.

So I look around me startled expecting to see the monitor going off but it’s not there, of course. I remember Max isn’t there and start questioning my sanity. Have I actually started hearing voices? Then the noise starts again, this time I know exactly where it’s coming from. My stomach.

Yes that’s right even when my child isn’t there my body has taken to mimicking the sounds of my baby because why shouldn’t I want to be woken up at 6:20am with no fucking good reason.

FML (fuck my lie-in)

Managing your expectations

Some days life just feels like one big disappointment after another. Well at least that’s how it seems when I look around and hear people constantly moaning about how their life isn’t measuring up. But when I ask these people what they want their lives to be like they shrug and say ‘I dunno but not this shit’.

When you’re a kid it’s easy to set lofty life goals like wanting to be a actress, footballer, singer or choo-choo driver. However, for most of us the realisation that life isn’t going to be all glamour, riches and champagne sets in around the time we start listening to maudlin music and covering our eyes with a layer of greasy hair. And for those who don’t get over it, well there’s always Britain’s got Talent(?).

As grown-ups we think we become cynical but somewhere inside is that little kid wanting to believe that we can live on clouds with the Care Bears, this is troublesome bit.

That’s the bit that tells the bloke you just want a casual relationship and then moan when he just calls you for sex. That’s the bit that makes you apply for a job that sounds crap but it’s a foot in the door and your sure you’ll get a promotion within a year. That’s the bit that makes you buy a dress a size too small because it will make you lose weight.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have dreams but if you set out unrealistic goals start with then you’re never going to achieve them and then you going to end up being one of those moaning people who thinks their life in a pile of unending crap. If you want to be a fashion model but your five foot and a size 14 you’re going to be disappointed.

It’s the same for people who want to be rich and successful and after a week of running their own business  complain that they haven’t made a million yet. It’s not like you actually have to put in any hard work to earn big bucks. You read a few quotes about dreaming big and think its all going to be smooth sailing as long as you have an inspirational screen saver.

Your expectations of life should driven by what you put in and if you get more out then bonus. I know that sometimes other people or situations seem to be the cause of your problems but most of the time you can see these problems coming, you just choose to ignore it and hope it goes away. If you don’t pay your bills you can’t be surprised when bailiffs appear at your door to seize goods.

if your not prepared to put the work in you won’t be successful, if you’re not honest in your relationships your never going to find true love and if you book an overseas holiday for £50 the hotel is not going to be built.

My advice

Dream big – work big

Want love – be honest and listen

Never expect to get more out than you put in.