What TV has taught me

I watch far too much TV, this is mainly because I’m knackered, have no energy from 7pm onwards and like to power down my brain and stew it in American TV. It’s like emigrating to the States without all the fuss of of actually having to do anything, I know everything there is to know about American life just from watching TV.

And you know it seems like an awesome place to live.


I would never have to worry about the costs of my children’s higher education because even if they never appear to do any work they will suddenly develop an amazing skill at 17 that will allow them to have a fully paid scholarship, probably to an Ivy League University. Win.

My job would be so fulfilling that nothing, I mean nothing would stop me from going in. I could have been shot, my whole family massacred, my house burnt down, my family pet missing and my leg falling off but I would still make it into work.

That all I need to make my life better is a make-over and by make-over I mean to remove my glasses and take my hair out of it’s badly tied pony tail and give it a good shake.

I’m probably distantly related to some kind of mystical race of people and will have to spend the small amount of time I’m not at work battling the forces of evil.

That despite an average of five stays in hospital a year I remain totally insurable.

I look really cool with a gun

When money gets tight, a relative I’ve never heard of will die and leave me a fortune, or there will be a contest where the prize money is exactly the amount I need and I will against all odds, win.

And best of all, if I have a baby I will give birth in less than ten minutes and barely break a sweat. I think there must be some kind of perineal stretching additive in the water.

the ranty girl in NYC


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