Why I will never be a Cosmo-girl

I’m not one for fashion and lifestyle mags as they only ever me feel shit about myself and no it’s not the airbrushed images of the models or the perfectly preened celebrities, it’s the sheer fact that I feel a constant disappointment to the editor. I’m simply not cool enough to measure up to woman these magazines want me to be. I hardly ever where make-up, I’m lucky if I have more than a minute to spend ‘styling’ my hair on a daily basis and I don’t spend half my months wages on new clothes. The women who reads these magazines must glide through life with at least four more hours in the day, several grand more in the bank and a heck of a lot more cool points than I have.

I was checking my twitter feed yesterday and I came across a Cosmopolitan article on the dos and don’ts of bumping into you ex, now as this recently happened to me I thought I’d check how I measured up on the cool Cosmo-girl o’meter.

Let’s do the quiz

1) don’t get pissed – check, although this is pretty much of given with me in my current condition.

2) keep it short and sweet – errrr what now?  You actually expect me to speak to them? Umm no, let me tell you how you how it really goes. You avoid eye contact at all costs, eye contact might actually mean you have to recognise their existence. Only talk to them if you ABSOLUTELY have to (they are in your way and there’s a fire is an acceptable situation in which to address them with a curt ‘get out of my f’ing way’). Let’s face it there’s no getting away from the fact that this person has seen you naked. I’m not talking medical exam naked or how your mum has seen you naked. I’m talking legs in the air, embarrassing camera phone pictures, first thing in the morning and your make-up has taken a tour of your face and your hair has gone cavewoman NAKED. Short and sweet has now become awkward silence, nice. Yup I’m handling this like a champ.

3) don’t bring up the past – this is a mute point see above

4) Look amazing – I currently look like a beach ball burglar, with crazy pregnancy hair and swollen hands and feet.

Sorry Cosmo I have once again let you down I think I’ll have to move to Take a Break, yes it takes that level of freak and weirdo to make me look together.

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