The importance of Timmy Mallet

Yesterday morning I was being urged by some lovely ladies on Twitter to get my hospital bag ready so if I went into labour whilst moving I wouldn’t have to unpack a load of boxes to find my stuff. This is a pretty practical suggestion, no?

So I go off and discuss with my husband if I can empty a small suitcase and use it as my bag, just in case. We have used all our our suitcases to pack stuff for the move and by emptying it it would mean finding somewhere else for the stuff to go, hence the discussion. He said no, we probably didn’t need to bother and this was his logic.

I currently have just over five weeks to go until the baby is due, which in my husband’s head is pretty much as long as the school summer holidays. So he says ‘you’re still only in the first week, you would have barely had time to get into WAC-a-day by this point, Timmy wouldn’t have even gone to Egypt yet’. WTF?

Yes people this is what I have to put up with and you wonder why I’m ranty. So the upshot is I have no hospital bag and a husband whose idea of packing is this.

Dear God; a letter of complaint

Dear God,

For years I have been under the impression that humans have been on a journey of evolution that has lasted a good few million years, however another school of thought has been brought to my attention by a group of people called ‘Creationists’ who now say that we were created a mere 6000 years ago by you in our current form. If this is the case then I would like to raise some design flaws I have found with you current model, in particular with the when it comes to using the gestation function.

I found that when I began to use the human gestation function there were some initial problems with the digestive process, in particular the sudden propensity to rapidly regurgitated any food items ingested. This is most inconvenient and would seem to be an error in the manufacturing process as I would think the ability to digest food would be a key element to the successful completion of the gestation function.

The second problem I have found is with the positioning of the baby inside the human body. Now I assume that as the creator you are acutely aware of the function of the bladder, so I can only think the decision to put a weight in excess of 7lbs on top of the bladder was some kind of oversight in your part. Connected with this issue is another fault I have discovered in that the larger the baby grows the smaller the stomach gets and I’ m not sure how I’m supposed to support two lives with a stomach the size of a gerbil.

Some engineering faults have also become apparent and the lower joints in the body seem to unable to cope with the excess weight, causing the carrier to be in extreme pain when using the gestation function for prolonged periods. It seems the current parts you are using to manufacture humans aren’t really up to the job are they?

Finally, I think you have made some calculation errors when creating the exit mechanism. When you were designing the size of the exit area in relation to the size of the object exiting I can only imagine you dropped the one somewhere, otherwise one can only deduce its some kind of deity design joke but after 6000 years the joke’s getting pretty old. I’m sure you must be aware of this issue as when trying to use this function most women will make loud and emphatic appeals to you, these are not to be confused with similarly worded appeals at the other end of the process, I can assure you the sentiment is entirely different.

I hope in raising these complaints with you you can see you way to resolving these issues as soon as possible as several millennia seems an excessively long Beta testing period, and although I have scanned the Bible for an updates schedule I have not been successful in finding your development plan.

I would appreciate a swift reply, if my rhododendron bursts into flames in the next few days I will take that as acknowledment of my correspondence.

Yours sincerely,

The Ranty Girl